Putting things into perspective!

The past few weeks have not been the best for us here in the Theler household, we had a great time in Utah visiting family and friends but it was also hard for me. The past 6 months or so, I have become more isolated and instead of trying to plan fun things with friends I just go by myself or just stay home. We do still hang out with friends just not nearly as much as in Hawaii. Part of that is making new friends is harder but I realized while in Utah that part of it is because I have hard time being around everybody because most everyone I know has perfectly healthy children and when I am around them I am reminded how much Diabetes sucks and how care-free and easy life would be for all of us if we didn't have this disease. I know that I become very envious that their kids can not eat and be fine or just go to bed and the parents have no worries that they might not be alive in the morning.

Kailie's blood sugars were all over the place the last week in Utah actually we were in Vegas and it was hard, she was sick and I had no idea why she was going so low all day long and then the next day she was high high high, then I got sick again and was throwing-up but I still had to take care of Kai. Sure my cousins could help change her and give here baths and even feed her but I had to check her and give her insulin and get up in the middle of the night and wake up early when she did. I just started to become very angry, most of my anger was towards God. Just questioning why she was given this disease and at such a young age. I can't help but feel sometimes that we got gipped. We barely got to enjoy Kailie for 16  months and now our focus is on blood sugar and insulin. Instead of talking about the cute things she did or the new word she learned we discuss her numbers. Night time is the hardest for both Jared and I, that is when we get the most sad and angry. My last night in Utah, Kailie was low when I checked her at 10 pm so I had to wake her up and give her something to eat but of course she didn't want to eat. She has actually gotten pretty good at eating in the middle of the night but this night she wasn't having it and wouldn't eat anything, not fruitsnacks, cookies, ice cream, yogurt, choc, smarties, milk, you name it she wouldn't have it. I called Jared who was in New York just because I didn't know what to do and an hour later I finally had to force down her throat some cake gel frosting. Pour thing was screaming and so mad and tired. Then I finally get to sleep and wake up a few hours later to check and sure enough she skyrocketed, I must have given her more than I thought, so I had to give her a shot. And boy was I mad!!! Not at Kailie, I am never mad at her!  I was tired, I knew we both had to get up early and fly back to NY and I just didn't understand why she went so high. Needless to say the flight was not the best but we made it and as we were driving the two hours back to Syracuse Jared and I started talking about how we were both angry last night at God and that we needed to get these issues worked out soon before Kailie is old enough to understand.

The next day was tough, I was super emotional all day and just not happy. This whole week I have been thinking about how crappy this is and how I wish there was a way to heal her. Last night after talking about it all with Jared I realized I need to be grateful for the things I do have and not focus on the bad things. Did I mention that we are also trying to have another baby and have been trying for over a year now, so that just adds to all my frustrations and stress.

This evening everything was put into perspective when we were able to talk with some friends from Hawaii who have a daughter that has recently been diagnosed with a horrible Kidney Failure disease. A disease that is a lot harder than diabetes. After, I just had this overwhelming gratitude that Kailie didn't have a disease like that.  As much as diabetes sucks, you can still do most anything, go anywhere and our friends won't have that. As tough as our situation is there is always someone who has it harder and that is a reminder that I needed. Sure I wish Kai was healthy of course but I am so happy to have her in my life. I would take a Kailie with Diabetes over no Kailie any day!!

Now I just need to keep things in perspective and be grateful for what I do have which is a lot. Mostly, I am really grateful for Jared, he is a great dad and a wonderful husband and there is no way I could do this with out him!